Stupid things that I have heard.

1. Me: You have a burnt out headlight on you car.
2. IDIOT: What do you mean it is burnt out, it was working fine yesterday?

1. IDIOT: I got these new set of mufflers on my Harley.  Do you want to see how loud they are.
   (you mean "Hear how loud they are")

1. IDIOT: If I want the left turn signal on, do I push up or down the turn signal level.
2. Me: You push the level up (which was a lie)

1. IDIOT: If I want to go this way (right), which way do I have to turn the wheel.  (she was backing the car up)

1. IDIOT: If you use my America Online account at your house, does it tie up my phone line.
2. ME: NO, what made think that.

• McDonalds Customer: Yes, I will like to have a Double Quarter Value Meal, Super sized with a Diet Coke.  (Why get the diet coke?)

My Ex - Girlfriend S-----: We better run and tip-e-toe across this bridge, I don't think it will support us.
 

Me: (Thinking) I better dump this girl, if you tip-e-toe on a bridge all your weight is still transferred to the bridge.  (F.Y.I. It was a brand new bridge).

1. IDIOT: I can not connect to American Online. Every time it connects, my computer does this BEEEP, BEEEP, BEEEP, BEEEP. What is that?
   ME: Well. . . AOL is BUSY" (like any other phone).


2. Our High School Band went to Disney World. My girlfriend at the time and I went on a ride called "Body War's".  This ride was one of those that had a projection screen in front and about 20 people sat in a hydraulic controlled car that matched the motion with the movie.  This ride, you were shrunk and injected into a human body via a needle where you fought off diseases. After the ride was over, my ex-girlfriend started looking at her hands.  I asked her why she was staring and trying to match her hand with the other.  Her reply was, "I am checking to make sure my had was the same size it was before".  She thought we actually all got shrunk and injected in to the body.  Now, I could see a 10 year old saying that, but not a 16 year old.

1. IDIOT: What do you mean I have to Log On to send my mail?  Why do I have to log on to send my mail?

1. IDIOT: The reason I am shooting bad is because of my eyes. The sights are not adjusted to my eyes.
2. ME: (Thinking) WHAT!  You are just a bad shot.  Don't blame it on the sights, they are dead on. What one see is the exact same thing because between two points (gun sights) is a straight line.

1. IDIOT: "My car won't start!"
   After looking at the problem, my friend said, "When was the last time that you put gas in the car?"  The needle was below E.
   IDIOT: "You think running out of gas will cause this!" - she said it like it was a stupid solution and that he was the stupid for even thinking this.
   (The car started up fine after gas was added.)


2. IDIOT: Talking to me about a remote control airplane he just flew straight into a house. "I wish you could have seen how well it flew.  It flew right into the wall."

I have changed the following story around a bit to make it more clear.

1. My sister was getting gas and she had a friend, IDIOT in the car. Andrea was driving the 1986 Cavalier and her friend had a 1992 Honda Civic.  When Andrea pulled up to the pumps, her friend IDIOT said, "You can't fill up here".
   Andrea: Why not?
   IDIOT: Because they don't have an 86 pump.
   Andrea: What do you mean?
   IDIOT: This is an 86 car and you can't put 87 gas in it.
   IDIOT thought that those numbers on the pumps were years. If you had a 1992 car, you could only put 92 Octane gas in the tank.

1. Mr. V------ from Bridgeport High School: I bought this donkey and I couldn't get it out of the bed of my truck no mater how much I pulled on him.  So I tied the jackass to a tree, got in the truck, started it up and pulled it out from underneath of him.  (Just imagine him doing this.)


2. I was working in Matewan, WV coming back from Delbarton Preparation Plant.  It was February 19, President's Day.  I was listening to people complaining on the radio on how the Public Schools were open and how that President's day the kids should have off.  At the very end of the show, this kid called and he said his name and that he goes to Matewan High.  (right there he made two mistakes, calling the radio station and giving out his name.)  Anyway, the announcer said, "Should you be in school?" His reply was, "Uh. . . I skipped school today because my parents did not say that I had to go.

1. IDIOT :  This person didn't want to walk down the hallway at our office to give a paper to our purchasing manager so instead she called him to tell him to check the fax because she is going to fax it to him instead.  (This happens all the time.)

1. I worked with this guy for a few months and one day the conversation came up regarding what jobs did he apply for before he took this one. He was telling me about how he applied for this one job for some company right out of college.  They seated him in the Human Resource Director's office and the minutes clicked by.  He waited so long, he decided to go through the desk drawers and just then the Human Resource Director walked in and saw this.  All he could say is, "I guess there is no chance that I will get this job so I am just going to leave."  (He is one of the most dedicated employee I know)


2. Every Thursday 106.5 out of Matewan broadcast a show in which callers could call in and try to sell things that they have.  Most of the time you hear, "I have a 1981 GMC Truck for sale, will like 5,000 dollars or trade it for a Honda ATV".  Something along those lines.  Well one day a caller called in and said, "I have a used tatoo gun with all the accessories and manual."

1. Fellow Accountant I work with who came in two hours late: "God, is it just me or has this day flown bye.  It is already 4 o'clock!"

1. Girl to a Police Officer: "Don't arrest him, I LOVE HIM!" (After he just busted a beer bottle across her face.)

1. Talking with a Safety Director at one of Massey’s Surface Mines: Me: "So you are the only person in safety, have you hired anyone else yet?" Safety Director - "Ya, I just hired two people". "The first person just got out of drug rehab". "The second person have never seen a surface mine".  (Remember these people are in charge of safety.)

1. The Chairman does not like receiving faxes with lines going through the fax.  This is due to dirt on the scanner lens.  To prevent this, everyday you need to get a towel and just wipe the lens.  We got a new secretary at our office and one of her duties is to distribute the faxes from the main fax machine that is located on her desk.  I showed her how to clean the scanner on her second day and her reply was, "That sounds like a good job for you".  I later heard her say, "I hate being told what to do."  (The Fax Machine was located on desk and it was her job to distribute it to people.)


2. A coworker has been cheating on her time worked.  In four days it was over 6 hours, and that is at an overtime pay rate.  I brought it to her manager’s attention, so did her coworkers.  Then she applied for a job promotion and when she left that day, she cheated on her time by 1.25 hours.  - Stupid.  What is even more stupid is that she got the promotion.  (Office moral plummeted that day and so did the meaning of being a “Massey member".)  The Manager said that it wasn’t “Material”.
   
3. People signing forms that say, "Must be signed in the presence of a Public Notary".  Then they expect me to notary it.  (What is worse is when it is not even their signature; it is for a friend of theirs.)
4. I was trying to fax a report to a vendor and their fax machine would not pick up.  I called the line, and on the 7th ring, their fax machine finally did pick up, while ours hanged up on the 6 ring.  This was a dedicated fax line and it should pick up on the first ring.


5. So many times I hear, “I do not know why you haven’t got it, I faxed it to you and I got the conformation sheet right here”.  So I ask them to fax it again, and then to shove it in my face, they will send the conformation sheet.  However on it, it states, “COMM ERROR”


6. I was listening to a Marshall Football game on the radio and the announcer said, “As the sun sets in the East, it is right in her eyes”.  (Sun sets in the West).  I told this story to someone else and they said that I take things to seriously and that all they mean was that it was on there left.  I could see what he meant, but that was not the case, they would have said North then.  In addition, when you refer to points of a campus, you assume the are referring to magnetic North.